Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Ready, set, VENT!

- Ehud Olmert, you need to go. You've done nothing during your Prime Minister...ship but fail at negotiating with Arabs and Palestinians, lost enough face against Hezbollah in Lebanon that most people think they won that little skirmish, and taken money from American Jews. Kudos, sir!
You are everything wrong with the Israeli center. You seem serious about creating a two-state solution, but you are corrupt and rotten, and therefore an embarrassment to the country and the people. So go. Now.

- Fuck you, Spurs. Now I have to root for a Lakers-Celtics final. Hoo-frigging-rah.

- Commas are for wusses. I am now all about periods. You want a pause? Go play a video game.

- This one isn't actually a complaint. To me the sign of a civilized nation is respect for the word of law. One might think Boston, with its smoke-freeness and its gay marriage and its myriad of crosswalks, would embody civility. Instead I had to go all the way to smoker heaven Pittsburgh to find a population that respects the law that matters to me most - the law of physics.
If a large hulking object is hurtling toward you with no indication it plans to slow down, do you step in front of it? If you're suicidal, or a Boston pedestrian, yes. Even as a walker myself - on occasion - I loathed my fellow foot-traffic, strutting arrogantly against lights. Brakes would squeal and shudder while some jackass yelled at the traumatized drivers: "I'm in the crosswalk, you ass!"
But here in Pittsburgh there are many engineers. And they've all studied Newton. And they know what happens when a large object moving at high speed impacts a smaller, squishier object. So they wait until they have the light, and then they walk. And as they cross they warily eye the idling cars, because you never know.

- On the other hand, no one jaywalks. There's no car within 300 yards! Just cross the street already!

- As much as I should decry Agriprocessors' use of illegal workers (especially given my ode to the law a couple of paragraphs ago), I won't. I like my meat as cheap as possible, and illegal workers allow me to buy fruits and vegetables - for Wife and Child. Not for me. - and meat, glorious meat. Now I have to pay more. Thanks for nothing, INS. Go arrest terrorist watchlist suspect Nelson Mandela.

- I don't care what excuses you make up for your kid the first time he makes the cow-hamburger connection. Kosher has nothing to do with the ethical treatment of cows or chickens or sheep. It never will. You know what's ethical? Not killing and eating animals. Not drastically thinning global fish populations. So stop whining and finish your steak.

- You know who should be allowed to cover Tom Waits? Nobody.

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