Monday, March 10, 2008

Now I'll have even more to confess

Today the Vatican announced that they had come up with some more sins.

I don't know what they mean by "genetic manipulations," or whether "drug use" includes alcohol and smoking, but I had some other suggestions for sinful behavior that might draw some more attention to what is already a supercool, ultrahip religion:

- Insulting the Pope's hat. I'm sure the big guy is sick of having to wear it, and even more annoyed with people calling him "Penis Head" behind his back. Come on, that's not just me, is it?

- Dwarf tossing. Simply to make it more exciting. Adding the extra rush of offending the Lord might really make it take off as a sport.

- Not tipping. Wife insisted I include this, having worked in the service industry and suffered from terrible tipping practices. "It's 20%, or you may as well throw your drink in your waiter's face, because that's what you're doing anyway."

- Double parking. All you New Yorkers are going to hell.

- Witchcraft. I know it's already a sin, but it's a popular one, and Catholics can renew their ongoing feud with the Wiccans. For we Jews, it's always fun watching the Church persecute some other undeserving group. Two religions, both flamboyant and edgy, with heavy emphasis on cloaks and dog collars? This will be so exciting we could sell tickets.

- Marital sex. And yet procreation is still a prominent commandment. Try and unpack that, believers.

- Metaphorical cannibalism. "Blood and body of Christ?" That's wine and crackers, people. It's a wussy copout, and real cannibalism is a new daring way to win back the youths who are always looking for the Xtreme!

Loud music. Just because you're reaching out to the kids with one hand doesn't mean you shouldn't smack them down with the other. Remember, you're the Catholic Church.

- Going to Mass in jeans. It's just rude. Jesus would so not appreciate it.

- Long hair on men. Admittedly Jesus looks a little too hippy-ish in hundreds of old paintings, but no one is confusing him with some 12-year-old with nicer curls than Salma Hayek. Especially not any priests. Cut them some slack, would ya?

- Wimples. You're married to the Lord, you're not dead. Show off that holy hot bod. Who doesn't love sexy nuns?

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