Monday, December 3, 2007

Similac is Hittite for Satan, don't you know

I hope you all enjoyed the video "Gigantic Boobs and Your Baby." My name is Jody Nipple, and I am here on behalf of your areolae. There is nothing better for your boobs than the heavenly process of breastfeeding. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar, and a killer of Christ. I know some of you in this room are thinking about limiting breastfeeding to the first couple of months of your child's life, and then switching to formula. If that's your plan, that's fine, but I can save you some money, and a whole lot of hassle.

There's a Planned Parenthood branch around the corner. Go in, ask for the Similac Special. They'll take care of that pesky fetus right away, and you can go back to running over the elderly in no time.

For the rest of you, I'm here to answer your questions about the glories of breastfeeding. If you're not too weak-willed, you can follow my plan for feeding your child in the only natural god-given manner right up until they have to take their SATs - after all, the AAP doesn't see any sort of dropoff on the benefits of breastfeeding your child over an extended period of time. And since you'll all be staying home with your baby, as I did, you won't have to waste money on those vile pumps, or even clothes for your child. After all, skin to skin is the most effective cure for eczema, colic, diaper rash, and the croup.

Wait, some of you are going back to work? Get the fuck out of here, right now. Does it look like I'm joking? I don't cater to abusive parents, who think that leaving the house is hunky-dory. I didn't leave my apartment from 1984-1996, until I stopped breastfeeding my oldest, and even then they had to pry her from my maternal deathgrip. I'll be showing you how to properly clinch your fingers in the second hour.

Where are you all going? You can't ALL be going back to work. What does "cost of living" mean?

Fine. I suppose I can modify my class to accommodate your dangerous lifestyles. I don't know why I'm bothering, your babies will all be dead in three months, anyway. If you want to pump, make sure your child always gets the Mommy's Milk Breast Replica, a harness for your partner to wear when you're out snorting blow and flashing your business at young men. That way at least one of you will be a mother to your child.

I was a wet nurse, a dry nurse, a delivery room nurse, a doula, a substitute lactater, a nurse practitioner, and head of the nursing glee club at Mass General for 76 years. You think you know more than me, with your books and terrified expressions? You want your kids to leave you? To go away for school and not ever call you? What are "separation issues?"

If you have any questions, just yell them out. Unless they're about formula: those questions will be answered with my trusty "Mother's Helper" kneecapping bat. So, let's begin, shall we?

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