OJ is a killer - of teeth

This is what I don't understand about healthy food. Evidently, sometimes it's healthy, and sometimes not. Orange juice, for example. Drink it in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, dusk, tea-time, brunch, morning snack, afternoon snack, pre-nap munchy time - all good. Drink it at night, however... and the evil OJ molecules start wailing away on your tooth enamel like an ex-wife and her new boyfriend. According to "science," vitamin C turns, werewolf style, into an acid-like substance, somehow related to citric acid.

Whatever. No one can take away my orange-y goodness.

Also, here are my top five foods I use to perform mold experiments in my fridge. Kids, take note - each of these products can be used for at least a B on a science fair project.

5) Apples. In a plastic bag they make a nice juicy slurry chock-full of bacteria.

4) Potatoes. They shrink, grow new potatoes, and somehow transmogrify into yams. Magic!

3) Salad. Whether it's the mix of vegetables, dressing and croutons, or maybe the fact that it tends to get lost in the back behind the english muffins and the glorious, glorious orange juice.

2) Bread. You'd think, with its protective shell of yeast organisms and whatnot, that it would survive the frozen tundra of my GE. But then it's forgotten, and the greenies get it, some white spots, and then the apple-y slush.

1) Milk. This is a no-brainer. It has almost no shelf life, and it's white, which is somehow more fragile. Also, it's got all that goddamn lactose, which makes holy hell in my large intestine, so it becomes some sort of divine retribution of epic proportions. Also, it gets chunky.