Repent! The Hour of Judgment is at Hand!

Tis the season for forgiveness. For those of you who may not know, we are nearing the end of the 10 Days of Repentance, which occurs at the beginning of the 25 Days of Holy Binging, and is followed by the 6 Weeks of Half-Assed Exercise. It is common for many folks to ask forgiveness of others during this time so as to start off the new Jewish year with a clean slate, thereby saying to G-d “see, I can follow your ‘rules,’ your ‘laws.’ It’s not so tough, Big Man.”

In this vein I should like to repent, to atone for the many, many wrongs I have committed over this past year. Forgive me, don’t forgive me, it doesn’t really matter – it just feels so good getting this stuff off my chest. Like that one time I tweezed my four chest hairs, except with less blood.

To the mailman: I’m sorry I sprayed my mail with dog pheromones. How was I supposed to know that the cliché was accurate? And don’t worry; with modern medicine, rabies isn’t fatal.

To the wild turkeys who live on my block: I’m sorry for all the honking. And for posting pictures of you and your brood in local hunting lodges. How about we compromise – I won’t run you over or offer a reward for your tasty carcasses, and you learn to use a crosswalk.

To my super, the Great G: I promise, no more ritual sacrifice. Just so you’re aware, though, that means no more Virgin Meatloaf.

To Random Coworker: it was wrong to sign you up for a year of Teen Meat. But you have so many pictures of young boys in your office…wait, those are you children? I have to make some calls.

To Friend K: I’m sorry I sent your picture to the Department of Homeland Security. But you talk crazy sometimes. And you have to admit, you’re a danger to yourself, and others.

To the Brothers: I know I can’t call off the fatwas against you. But I will pray hard for your deliverance unto the well-deserved 72 virgins. When you hear about how you’re supposed to be killed, though…you’re just going to laugh and laugh.

To Wife: Sorry for the whole pregnancy thing. If you really want, I’m still ok with selling Fetus on the black market. My EBay auction is up to $325.62!

To Parents: That, just before – that was a whole lot of inappropriate humor right there. I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable.