Tuesday, July 31, 2007

And now for something original

Sometimes there will be commentary. Other times, like now, there will be funny. If you choose to hand out this application to potential exes, any consequences may not be traced to this website.

Breakup Application Date____________


Please complete all blanks: this office receives many applications during each scholastic term, and information can be lost in the file system/closet, behind rolling papers and extra bicycle tires. This is especially important in Section I, which may in fact include the reason for submitting this application in the first place. If that is the case, the applicant may want to consider whether completing the entire form, and submitting the application fee ($35 or the complete Freaks & Geeks series DVD) is worth the effort. If you require additional space, please attach an 8 ½ X 11 sheet of paper with any additions. Please do not wrap said paper around feces, spoiled pad thai, or any other potentially disruptive substance. Receipt of applications with that sort of additional material has resulted in vengeful posting of compromising photos and humiliating stories of questionable accuracy on the administrator’s Office blog. Please submit a copy of your original Relationship Application, and all materials related thereto, including pictures, your “Top Five Fantasies” essay, and notarized “Commitment to Excellence in Girlfriend-ness” affidavit.

I. General Information

1. Name: Last ________________, First __________________

2. Address _________________________________________________

3. Nickname, if any (does not include generics like Honey, Sugarlips, or Love of My Life) ________________

4. Phone Number ______________________

5. E-mail (required if applicant would like a response) _____________________

6. Date of Birth __________________

7. Height _______________________

8(a). Weight _____________________ (b) Seriously, Actual Weight _____________

9. Anticipated salary for the coming fiscal year ___________

II. Family Information

10(a). Father’s profession ____________________

10(b). If military, is your father stationed overseas? Y __ N __ (c) If not, please state the domestic base at which he resides, and the approximate time it would take for him to drive to campus _______________________________________________________

11(a). Number of brothers, if any, residing in state ___ (b) Athletic activities in which they regularly participate (includes any sports for which steroid use is customary; does not include golf or tennis) ______________________________________________

12(a). Does anyone in your family own a firearm, or other lethal weapon including, but not limited to, baseball bats, hockey sticks, Chinese throwing stars, cattle prod, mace (medieval kind, not spray)? Y __ N __ (b) If so, please specify past instances where family members have displayed an urge to use said weaponry against those who have “done the family wrong.” _________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

III. Short Answers/ Essays

Please answer either three of the five questions in the “Short Answer” section, or one of the three essay questions. Please note, however, that the application will not be considered unless applicant chooses to respond to Essay Question #3. Please submit answers either in type-written or podcast form; anything handwritten or longer than one page, size 14 type, will be filed in the closet and/or shredded for use in the hamster cage.

Short Answer Questions: Please limit answers to 140 characters, or the maximum length of a text message. No emoticons.

1) These reasons you have for ending the relationship – aren’t they, in fact, issues you’re dealing with that have nothing to do with me?

2) Did I cheat on you? Do you have any sort of proof to support such a malicious accusation, other than grainy YouTube footage? If not, aren’t we being a wee-bit paranoid? Couldn’t that be anyone’s penis?

3) What’s this really about?

4) Have you found someone new? Is it Jay from Carl Spackler’s Special Blend, my Frisbee golf team?

5) Please review the “Commitment to Excellence in Girlfriend-ness” affidavit you submitted with your Relationship Application. Explain the reasons for your deceit in signing the Commitment when you clearly had no intention of adhering to the duties and obligations stated therein. I mean really, can we both agree that this application could have been submitted months ago?

Essay Questions:

1) Analyze all the trumped-up reasons your mother and your friends hate me. Consider whether they have your best interests at heart; would your stuck-up whore of a sister really be ok with you being as happy as she pretends to be in her sham of a marriage? List the ways in which this relationship can improve, and detail your well-considered fifteen-point plan, if you think you’re so mature.

2) During your time in this relationship, you have failed to achieve many of your goals as listed in your Relationship Application. What have those failures taught you? Will you use that knowledge to raise your performance in future interactions, or will you persist in your vicious circle of unreachable standards and excessive, melodramatic responses when those standards are not met? Consider the ways your bitchiness impedes your path to contentment.

3) Is this application being submitted because you intend to “switch teams” upon ending this relationship? Please elaborate on the sundry ways your new paramour will please you carnally. The acceptance of your application will be more seriously considered if your answer is supplemented with pictures and/or movie footage.

1 comment:

Hamburgler said...

4...I love the 4, too.